Nurture strong bonds with your kids. Chris Kern discusses parenting and the importance of being involved from a young age. Tune in now!
Chris Kern, associate director of Northeast Indiana YoungLife, joins us on the podcast this week. Before you know it your kid will be all grown up and off to college. Shortly after they might get married, start a life somewhere else, and before you could even blink, they're out of your house and starting their own family somewhere. This is why it is so important to be involved in our kid's lives from a young age! Learn from Chris and I as we go over all things family and kid related.
Chris Kern is the Associate Director for Northeast Indiana YoungLife. Chris is happily married with 4 young boys. Chris loves to create and cultivate safe experiences for kids to see the love and light of Jesus Christ that they might not see at home. YoungLife's goal is to solely introduce adolescents to Jesus Christ and help them grow in faith all while providing a fun and safe environment for kids to thrive.
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Before you know it, your kid will be all grown up and off to college. Shortly after, they might get married, start a life somewhere else, and before you could even blink, they're out of your house and starting their own family somewhere. This is why it is so important to be involved in our kids’ lives from a young age! Chris Kern, regional director for YoungLife, joins me on the podcast this week as we cover all things children and parent-related when it comes to raising our kids well.
I got a good friend on the show with me named Chris Kern. Chris is a Regional Director for an organization called Young Life. I’m going to tell you that I have seen personally Young Life transform so many kids’ lives. If you have a middle schooler, a high schooler, or a college-aged son or daughter, you need to tune in to this episode with Chris Kern. He has given his life for the years to this organization of Young Life. They do camps, retreats, clubs, and community. It is an amazing organization. If you want your kids to be around great other kids and a great community, check out this organization Young Life.
I want you guys also to go check out our new website at IronDeep.com. If you’re interested in going to the Men’s Awakening Retreat on September 25th, 2022, make sure you go to IronDeep.com and apply now. We only have a few spots left. Make sure you check that out. It’s going to be amazing, guys. It’s in the Rocky Mountains of Utah. We got about 30 max guys. We’re up to about 25 or 26 so far. We got 3 or 4 spots left. It’s going to be amazing with all business owners and business leaders. It’s going to be cool. Now I’m going to introduce you guys to Chris Kern. What’s going on, Chris?
Brett, I appreciate you having me on. What’s going on right now? We’re experiencing a fun day here in Fort Wayne.
It’s the last day before school starts. Are you excited for the last day or is this bittersweet? I know you guys typically have crazy summers. This was a little bit more relaxed for you. What’s it like going to this school year for your family?
It’s wonderful. It’s a great season. It’s a blessing that our kids want to go back to school. If they weren’t wanting to go back to school, I think it’d be harder. We did a fun bike ride around the schools, praying for them with the kids, and having fun having them a vision for praying for their own schools and their friends’ schools. We had a fun day doing that with some other Young Life committee folks. It was good.
That is cool. I always had different conversations with you when it comes to family, riding your bikes around the school, and praying for your school. Your family does a little bit something different. That’s why I love hanging out and chatting with you. You make me think a little bit differently and more kingdom-minded.
I know we’re going to really dive into that because you’ve been with an organization called Young Life for pretty much all of your career, except there was a one year where you did something else. We’re going to talk about Young Life and how that has impacted and transformed your own life. Also, what you’ve seen with other middle schoolers, high schoolers, college kids, even adults lives with Young Life. Before we get into Young Life, I want to hear about Chris Kern. Talk to us about you. Maybe you can even dabble into your own story when you were a kid going to Young Life.
I’m a product of Young Life. I’m grateful for that. I grew up in the church, wonderful Christian family, but wouldn’t say I understood what it meant to follow Jesus until I went to a Young Life camp. I went to a club a little bit when I was in high school in St. Joe Michigan. It’s a beautiful place. However, I didn’t know what it meant to have a relationship with the Lord.
The thing that probably jumped out at me the most was being at camp and experiencing this idea of a Christian community. I didn’t have a whole lot of friends that were Christians at that time and that was really powerful. Also, this idea of a relational savior. I wasn’t somebody who you prayed to, confessed your sins, and went to a church service on Sundays but it became real to me in that moment. When you do come to know the Lord, we have that moment. Whatever that moment is, I believe the Lord had me in his hands the whole time, but it’s pretty cool to have a defining moment that became more real.
I moved down to Indianapolis after high school. That would’ve been 2002. I was trying to spread my wings and jump out of the nest a little bit. I had a lot of wonderful experiences down there and slowly got involved with Young Life as a volunteer. I wasn’t ready and shouldn’t have been a volunteer leader. I don’t know the person who was saying yes to me, but they shouldn’t have. I wasn’t ready, but they gave me a chance. That was wonderful. I got to grow into being a leader. It was fun having a chance to be able to walk alongside some kids who I still am in contact with now. That was now close to 20 years ago. That was in 2003. Years ago, I was able to start walking alongside kids.
That transition to getting involved more. I turned to coaching football at Lawrence Central High School and track. I wanted to be a servant, help serve the community, and care for the community. Along the way, I met my wife Amber. We ended up getting married in 2007. Now I have four wonderful, beautiful, rambunctious energy, testosterone boys, a 9-year-old down to a 4-year-old. We’re having fun. I love being able to do ministry and do life together with my family. It’s a strategic thing that the Lord has provided an opportunity for us to have. I know it’s not something that everybody gets to have and we’re leaning into that. We moved to Fort Wayne in 2017 to pursue Young Life further up here. I have enjoyed our move to Fort Wayne. It’s become home, especially for my kids. That’s all they know.
That’s quite the story. Thank you so much for sharing. You talked about this moment when you were a kid going to Young Life. What do you think it was? Obviously, you grew up in a Christian home. You knew about Jesus Christ and you heard about him. You had some knowledge about him growing up in that atmosphere. I’m sure you went to church, but you didn’t really have a relationship. Maybe dive into that. What was that moment? You went to Young Life, what was different about it? Was the environment different? Was the community different? What was it about the environment and the opportunity that Young Life provided for you and your surroundings? Was it different from the other experiences that you had going to church?
Culture matters. The culture that I grew up in and the church that I was in was wonderful for my parents’ generation. They loved it. It was great and wonderful. The school that they had built had a wonderful culture in it as well. They knocked that out of the ballpark, but they missed the component of being able to connect and relate the thing that they cared about so much that hit them in their hearts, the next generation, and the youth.
They didn’t have a youth group. They didn’t have those things built into their ministry. It was a void. It was expected that you’ll jump on board with the culture of church and things that we love so much from our generation that the next generation will appreciate that too. I would say it was a disconnect. Therefore, stepping into this Young Life world and environment, the community aspect was on a totally different level. We’re doing crazy things. We’re eating stuff you should never eat. We’re mixing things into a blender and putting all the McDonald’s ingredients. We’re putting hamburger, fries, shakes, and all that stuff and then drinking it. It’s like, “What is going on in this place? This is bizarre.” Making shapes out of everybody’s gum.
We can’t do that anymore because of COVID or whatever. Everybody is bringing their chewed gum and then creating structures. People were coming from all walks of life, Brett. That was one thing that stuck out to me as a nonbeliever who didn’t understand what was going on at this Young Life thing. Why are all these kids who don’t know Jesus coming to this thing? Why are these Christian kids coming to it? Somehow, it’s working together. That sparked my curiosity.
Fast forward to going to camp, at the end of my senior year of high school, I’d be able to experience that firsthand for a week. No distractions for a week at camp as far as all the other stuff. We didn’t have cell phones at that time so we didn’t have that distraction, but we did have relationship things. We had jobs back home. We had all these other things that for sure distracted me and having the ability to be able to engage in a spiritual conversation, where I’m truly allowing my vulnerable self to be present with my friends. We’re sitting around in a circle. We call it Cabin Time and confessing sin, being able to talk about insecurities and able to say, “This is who I am and I don’t want to be that anymore,” and then sharing that with other people who are saying the same things.
It was the first time in my life that I experienced a genuine open conversation about the hardest things that I’ve been trying to hide and keep from everybody else. I’d say I lived a double life. I tried to live a life where everybody saw one thing, but on the inside, something else was going on. That exposed me and I was fearful that if somebody found out the real me, I would maybe reject or I wouldn’t be allowed to be a part of that community anymore. I’d be made fun of or whatever and the exact opposite happened. Instead, I received healing.
There’s the verse in James where it talks about, “If you confess your sin to one another, you will be healed.” That concept became a real thing for me at that moment. That was a big part of why Young Life was so different and why it connected to me. They have all the fun stuff. They were playing music I understood. Our culture, we understood. In life, it wasn’t just the churchy music. They met us where we were. Those are the 2 or 3 main components as to why I was so drawn to it. The main one is the Holy Spirit did his work. It doesn’t matter what magic potion you put out there or what magic product. The Holy Spirit is going to move in your heart. That’s where change happens.
That’s definitely awesome. Thank you so much for sharing. The things I got were you’re in this undistracted environment, very intentional, and you had a genuine community around you. God showed up and encountered you and transformed your life. That’s amazing. Another thing that I got was that you talked about a generational disconnect. You talked about your parents. They grew up in a way. That worked for them, but there was a disconnect from them to you.
I want to ask you this. You’re growing up. You’re in Young Life and see a lot of kids in our world. Sometimes, as a dad, I feel like there’s this disconnect between me and my kids. Do you think that’s going on now? Again, there’s a generational disconnect between our faith and how we received it for our kids. Can you tackle that a little bit for us? I know that’s a loaded big question. What do you see about this generation, your parents to you, us to our kids, and how do we pivot with this?
We always need to think about that. Our young people are changing fast. Youth have always been in that category. It’s a little bit now on steroids with social media and with cell phones. Definitely, things can transform quickly in a community. From my perspective and upbringing, we’re going to do it this way because this is the way we’ve always done it. If you’re stuck in a certain mode, you’re not willing to adjust and adapt, and be mindful of the next generation or the next group, even if you’re sitting in a room, looking across the room, or you’re, let’s say, in a cafeteria, you’re seeing kids who have a different background or different culture.
If you’re not willing to step into their shoes and learn and let them become an expert in their culture and their environment, you’re not going to be able to reach them and connect with them. That’s a problem that our churches have now. We’re realizing, “We need to recognize who’s down the street. It’s not just generational. It’s so many other things.” For parents now, I would say the art of being able to craft good questions could go a long way. Asking questions and we call it different level questions. I was in the GLS, Global Leadership Summit, and there was a speaker. Vanessa did a fantastic job talking about different levels of conversation. Level one conversations would be simple questions like, “What’s your job? How are you doing?”
For a kid, it’d be, “How was your day? How’s school today?” That’s a level-one question. It is not triggering your brain to go deeper. Level two question might be something you can universally ask. It’s not specific to the question, but it does go a little bit further. It’s like “What’s one thing that was hard today? What was one thing that was difficult?” That’s a level-two question. Level three question go into a more personal level. It’s picking up something that happened previously that you remembered and then taking it deeper. Remembering something from your previous interactions that you had and then asking a deeper question. It’s like, “How do you do that with young people? How do you have the ability to do that without having the dad factor or without having, ‘Dad, are you really going there?’”
This is a big difference. It’s a level three question that was something that they care about. It’s not to get to, “I need to ask a question that’s going to prompt something so that way I can make sure they get their homework done,” or get this agenda thing done that I want to make sure gets done as a parent. It’s a character issue you’re trying to address with your young person. What do they really care about? How am I going to get to that in a way where it’s going to cause them to go, “That’s a good question?”
I used this technique right away as soon as I got home after this conference with my nine-year-old. I started asking some level-three questions. It was amazing to watch him light up like a Christmas tree. He laughed. He had this giggle at one point and I said, “Why are you giggling?” He goes, “This is fun.” I said, “What’s fun about it?” “You’re asking me all these questions, Dad.” I’m like, “I’m not doing anything different,” but I am. I was thinking through a little bit deeper question. That was powerful. I know that’s super abstract.
It is impactful even for me. As a dad, we always get in our dad mode where we want to teach and give them a lesson. We’re trying to ask them a question so we can teach them something. We’re digging in general, “How is your day?” and then we get annoyed and irritated because the response isn’t what we expect. We’re trying to connect with them, but we’re doing that surface-y level one. For one, I’m a deeper person. When someone asks me, they start talking about, “What’s the gas prices down there? What’s the weather like?” I’m like, “I don’t want to talk about that. I want to talk about something a little bit deeper.” Our kids do the same thing.
That’s awesome. Thank you so much for sharing. I always hear this as parents more and more. We don’t need to be lecturing all the time or stating. We’re asking better questions. You even taught me that, which I’ve been using. You talked about the organization, Iron Deep, as questions stormed. You taught me that when we were at lunch together. I used that. I even sat down with a couple of guys from an organization. I said, “We’re going to write out a bunch of questions and we’re not even going to answer them.” We wrote out twenty questions.
Thank you for that. You talked about Young Life. Again, it’s a great organization. I was checking out the website. It talks about the best week of your life and joining the adventure. It’s for every middle schooler, high schooler, college student, even adults. I know you guys have other things. You have teen mom organizations that you’re doing and working with teen moms. There’s so much good stuff.
Every parent, especially as a believer, wants our kids involved with some organization like Young Life, but I see very few do it, honestly. Very few take the risk of trying to get their kids involved. Most of our readers are parents. They’re not the teens. They’re not the kids. What are some ways that we can try to get our kids involved with Young Life or a similar organization because we want it so badly? Do you have any feedback on that?
That’s a great question. I have a lot of parents who ask that question. I would say it’s different for each person. We’ve got a staff person who is a mom and she has a senior and high school. They have such a wonderful relationship where he wants her to be involved in everything. They host Bible studies in their home. They do club together and go to camp together. That’s a pretty unique situation there, Brett, and it’s not the norm. You have scenarios like that where you have such a beautiful connection where the teenager has not said, “Mom or Dad, you’re not cool enough. You got to let me do my thing and give me space.”
I would say the majority is probably more on the other category where it’s like, “Give me some space. Let me go run off and do my own thing.” It’s nice to have a place where kids can be to totally themselves. They don’t have that adult parent influence in that particular setting. Both have value and we want to make sure that everybody has an opportunity to get involved with Young Life, depending on where they’re at.
Speaking directly to parents, how do you get your kids involved? If I could tell you how many times a parent has said, “How do I get my kid to come to Young Life?” It’s a commonly asked question. It’s a legit one. It’s one that we need to spend a little bit of time on. The first one, of course, is prayer. I would imagine every one of those parents is already doing that. They’re saying, “Prayer, without question, Lord.”
If there’s one prayer that I have for my children that I’ve heard from other folks who’ve gone through the season of life that I’ve yet to go through with parenting is we, as parents, have influence with kids for a period of time and then we start to lose that influence so we want somebody else to come in and reinforce the very things that we want our kids to have in their life. We’re praying for that mentor. If it’s a coach, a teacher, a Young Life leader, or a youth group leader, we’re praying, “Lord, bring somebody else who’s going to come in.”
They’re not going to be in that disconnected category during that adolescent season of life, but they’re going to be in that connected part. Somehow, some way, when they say something, it’s the same thing, but in a different way, it connects. The parents are in the background saying, “Goodness gracious, I said the same thing, but for whatever reason somebody else said it and it landed.”
What I like to say is prayer works. Keep praying. Two, we want to make sure parents are in the know. It’s a partnership. We want to make sure parents are aware of what’s going on. They know when things are happening and when these camp trips are coming up. When kids hear about things that we announce at club or wherever it might be and say, “We’re going to go on this camp trip. By the way, there’s a cost to it.” They’re a little nervous to go to their parents and say, “This thing is going to cost me X dollars.”
When they go to their parents, they already know about it. They already know the cost and the value of it because we’ve already had a conversation with them. When these kids come to them and say, “I’d like to go to camp.” They’re like, “We’ll talk about it.” They’re already saying yes and they want to be involved at that level. They want to have their kids get involved versus a parent who is unaware of what’s going on and a kid comes to him and says, “I want to go on this trip or to club.”
Their first thought is, “What is this thing? That’s pretty expensive.” It’s a negative first response because they’re unaware. Number one thing is parents need to be involved with the staff person and need to know what’s going on behind the scenes. That way, they are prepared when their kids come to them and say, “I want to be a part of this.” There’s safety that goes along with that too. They know where their kids are going to be. They don’t have to ask their kid, “Where are you going to be?” They already know. Being in the know and praying are probably the two most significant things that I would recommend at this point.
Thank you so much for sharing the feedback. Parents, take notes on that. I raise my hand. Sometimes, I’m unaware. I’m not intentional about these things because we have so many different things going on. Also, be intentional about the environment that you want your kids to be in. You talked about the undistracted environment. My daughter and I experienced that. We went to a camp. I thought it was awesome to be in that undistracted environment.
We don’t know what it’s like until we’re there and how much we need that. Talk to us about this. What are the kids’ responses when they’re in that undistracted environment without the technology and all these other things they have going on? How important is that for all of us at certain points, seasons, or parts of the year to get into that environment?
I’d say it’s extremely important. You made a comment with regards to cell phones from that time that you had with your daughter. That impacted me as well. Talking about how we’re immigrants into the technology world. We have the ability, as adults, to be able to separate ourselves from that. These young people, they don’t. This is who they are. It’s a part of the social fabric of how they have friends and engage. To take that away from them, you’re not just taking away an optional convenience. You’re taking away a part of who they are and who they identify as somebody who is connected in that world.
I have one example. I had a student years ago. I took him to camp. This was a kid who was in a hard environment in an inner-city situation down in Indianapolis. This kid got into fights all the time. He was getting kicked out of class and expelled from school. He had a lot of anger. It’s from trauma and an unstable home. There are domestic stuff going on in the house. Fight or flight, he fought a lot. That’s the way that he was able to survive. That was his survival mechanism. I remember basketball, pickup games, and all that stuff. Him getting into fights and me having to separate them and help de-escalate the situation.
Going to camp, I was a little nervous. I was like, “How is this kid going to fair in camp?” I got to watch him on Day 3 to be a kid, laugh, and no fighting. He’s on the basketball court and somebody is crossing him up and he didn’t like it. Instead of fighting him, he was able to shake it off and laugh because of that. I was blown away by that simple truth for him that he needed to be in such a safe place where he didn’t have to puff up and become that person to show other people that he could handle himself.
That’s what happens in an undistracted environment. Now how is that particular kid going to be able to experience the gospel if he’s reserved and he’s in a fight-or-flight situation? He’s not open to receiving one of the greatest news ever and also to being able to contemplate how he’s going to respond to it personally. He is somebody who had to have those barriers removed and to have a psychologically safe place. We talk a lot about that now in this world, which I’m so grateful for. He had to be psychologically safe to be able to let his guard down. That happens at camp. That happens in an hour at a Young Life club each week.
That’s the whole reason why we play fun games and we play music that these kids know and they’re belting out to the top of their lungs together that aren’t Christian songs. It’s a way for those barriers can come down so that way they can get to a safe place to be able to explore what their own experience with encountering the gospel will look like. We do that in microcosms in different places. At camp, it would be the weeklong expression of that. We even take kids to a discipleship experience, where we’ll go backpacking in the woods in the mountains for a week. We’ll do a solo, where they spend 24 hours alone by themselves. Brett, can you imagine a teenager doing that?
I can imagine as a man doing that. It freaks me out a little bit because all these thoughts come into your mind. Doing a 24-hour solo is crazy. Again, it’s almost getting them into that uncomfortable challenging situation. I heard that. Even as parents, we are trying to remove this uncomfortable adversity from our kids’ lives and that’s how they grow. It’s to be in those types of environments.
That’s how we grow, too. We need to have space. There are a lot of different thought leaders now who are bringing up wonderful thoughts. You need ten minutes every day. Break out ten minutes throughout your day, where you need to stop, journal, and reflect. Instead, we always go. We need to stop and we need to have these white noise spaces where we can pause for a second.
Definitely. You got four boys. You talked about incorporating your family into what you’re doing as well. You’ll be able to bring them along, praying for your school. I know you do camps during the summer a lot of times and bring your family. You’ve been watching these other kids for years. Now you have these four boys from 4 to 9. What’s your biggest desire? I know the answer to that. What’s it like when it’s your own kids? What’s the difference?
Of course, the answer is I want my children to grow up fearing God and loving Him more than anything else. I prayed it over with all of the children that were in my home. It was fun having the other parents affirming that in that prayer of, “Dear Jesus, please allow our children to walk with you.” It’s something that we can’t make. We can’t produce that. That’s something that God does. We’re praying for that.
I’ll tell you this story, Brett. This has been impactful for me. It’s a great joy to have my family alongside me in ministry. I know not everybody gets an opportunity to have that, but we do and we’re grateful for it. We don’t take it for granted. I got a chance to share the gospel in front of kids at camp one summer. For my kids, to be able to see Daddy sharing the gospel and other kids responding and watching them transform literally throughout the week.
There’s a physical transformation of a spiritual change that happens. My kids get to witness that. My son Nolan cross-talked happened. We send kids out for twenty minutes to go sit alone with Jesus. He wanted to do the same thing with all the teenagers. He, at the time, as an eight-year-old said, “Daddy, can I go do that too?” He got a chance to go out and sit with the Lord for twenty minutes. How many eight-year-olds can sit silently for twenty minutes? That’s unbelievable and contemplate their relationship with their savior.
That was a cool thing. That’s something I want to continue to allow to happen. The camping ministry is a unique one. This will be a shameless plug, Brett, for something you’re coming with as well but family camp. I’ll tell you, anytime we can go on an adventure with our kids and be able to experience this together, I think that’s an important thing.
Young Life does offer a family camp experience and it’s something I believe in. I was watching my son do the zip line and my kids do these things that are stretching them emotionally. They’re fearful of stepping off that first step and then being able to translate that into a spiritual truce. When you stepped off that platform, I was like, “What’d you feel?” “I was scared.” “What happened after that?” “I felt safe because I was secure.” “How did you get to that point?” “Daddy, you told me I’d be safe.”
It’s the same thing. You can translate that to a spiritual truce. Right now, it’s scary to think that maybe it’s a move or you’re going to school for your first day. “I’m nervous about going into my first day of school.” “You’re nervous, but just like that platform, when you jumped off that thing, you had some confidence. How’d you have that confidence? We’re going to do that in prayer.” Also, having relational connections with other people helps a great deal.
One other thing I would say to this question is how do we instill faith in our kids? There’s another organization in town that I wanted to mention that I believe in a lot. It’s New Mercies. It’s a hosting ministry for kids who are at risk of going into foster care and being able to host kids in your own home. There’s something that is very transformational when you are serving and your own children are not only just involved because of proximity, but they’re needed.
We had three Spanish-speaking boys in our home at one time. We needed our kids to step up. We needed them to, one, work on their Spanish, and two, they needed to become friends with these kids. That was a formational thing for them that shaped and formed them. I hope one day my kids will be able to look back and say, “My parents hosted kids who didn’t know Jesus and needed help and we did that.” That’s going to hopefully shape their faith journey as well.
A couple of things I want to point out. You talked about family camp. I’ve done a lot of daddy-daughter camps and son camps. You talked about Young Life’s teen camps. I would encourage all of our readers out there to do something. These are so fun by the way but they’re fun with such a great purpose. We do fun vacations all the time. Everyone who’s reading, they do fun vacations. They go to Disney World. They do the beach stuff. Whatever it is or your thing is, they do that. I would encourage you this next season or next summer to do something. It’s going to be awesome fun but with such a purpose. Maybe it’s a family camp or a program. You don’t have to do anything either. You show up and everything is laid out for you. It’s so much fun. Thanks for pointing that out.
The next thing is serving alongside your kids. Instead of teaching, lecturing, and giving them information and knowledge, and we’re all burnt out from all the stuff, the knowledge, go serve and do something. Be the hands and feet of Jesus. It’s cool. Thanks for that, Chris. We’re about out of time. Any last feedback? Any last words of wisdom for our audience?
If there are parents who are tuning in right now and as you’re going into school, I want to let you know that, one, we’re praying for you. Two, you can lean into this new season of having teenagers or young people that you get to steward and care for. Also, lean into those conversations. Be prayerful about how to engage your kids in this new season and the Lord will meet you right there. I know it’s not easy as a parent, but you need to have a cheerleader and an encourager.
As somebody who works with youth and gets to watch other people doing that, you are a vital piece. You are not a bystander. When your kids are pushing you away, they need you. They need you even more now than ever. That may be prayer but it’s also in partnership. Please lean in and don’t shy away, especially when things get hard.
Thank you so much. This is a wrap. Chris Kern, it’s been awesome having you on the show. God bless.
Thank you so much, Brett.
